the letter I never sent

Dated: November 2nd 2016

I don't know where to start. I've debated writing this for months... I think it's taken me so long because I'm scared. I'm scared of your reaction. I'm scared of opening a healed wound. I'm scared of you turning around as asking who the hell I think I am to just come and say sorry for ripping your life into pieces. I'm scared of your reaction crushing my heart like I crushed yours. But I can't live with myself for what I did to you. I've thought of a lot of reasons why I should and a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be writing this to you and I pray I'm making the right one.

From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I am sorry for the way I indescribably hurt you. I'm sorry for my actions, for my words and for more or less the things I didn't say. I don't want to get into trying to justify my actions for the way I felt now nearly a year ago cause with time I've realized how cruel they were. I was broken. My heart wasn't full and functioning and I allowed it to get the best of me. Looking back hurts me, but probably not half as much as it hurts you.

I've thought about you every single day. From the day I met you, till today and probably tomorrow and who knows how much longer you will cross my mind. I don't know how to feel about that. It's happy things that cross my mind, but they make my heart feel heavy sometimes. I will always cherish the time I spent with you. Some of the best moments of my life were spent with you and no time or distance could take that away from me. I hope that some part of you can look beyond the hurt I caused to remember the good.

Two weeks ago Brook was killed in a car accident in Kuwait. She was hit by a car and died instantly. I went to her funeral Saturday. It was awful, I cried so much. They kept saying to let people know you love them, let people know you care and let people know you're sorry... and you kept crossing my mind. You actually didn't cross it, you kinda just stayed there the whole time.

I got your last email. I remember re-reading it over and over. It was so lovely that after everything you still had the heart to be kind to me to wish me a final farewell. I instantly deleted it in fear he would find it. The biggest mistake from all of this was letting him control me. I let him, hurt you. It wasn’t his place. It wasn’t even my place.. Distance took it’s toll and I knew we were causing ourselves more pain then anything. I hate the conversations the two of you had over me. Two strangers tearing each other apart while I just sat there speechless. It made me physically sick. Despite what you may think I never cheated on you. I was faithful the entirely of our relationship. To be completely honest, I'm not sure you can say the same. Near the end you had me gasping for air. I tried to hold on. You had issues that were too big for me to fix but regardless of the things I should of walked away from... leave it to me to love something despite it's flaws.

You have the heart of a thousand men. Thank you for loving me, I honestly don't know if I'll be loved like that again but people tell me I will. It was unconditional and it was bigger then the ocean between us. Thank you for taking care of me. From homesickness, to real sickness and 4am phone calls. Thank you for treating me like I was perfect. Even though I realize now more then ever, I am so far from that.

I hope you are happy. I hope whoever she is knows how lucky she is. I hope you are driving your audi or something fancy like that. I hope you maybe have your own place. I hope you find peace in this letter. Please know I send it out of every good mean of my heart. It's up to you how you want to take it. If you delete it after the first few sentances or paragraphs, that is okay... If this is the closure you need, you can take it and go on with your life. However, I am going to ask you not to reply. This was for you and probably somehow selfishly for me... I'm sorry for hurting your heart... thank you for filling mine.

Love,

Jenna x