daring greatly

I found myself in tears in front of my lap top a few weeks ago. My stomach felt like a pit, I felt overwhelmed by sadness. To be honest I can’t even really remember exactly what was making me so upset at this given moment but I remember thinking “I hate that I am like this”, “Why am I like this?” “Why can’t I handle things like everyone else?” “Why do I get so sad over things that really aren’t that sad?” I found myself typing into a search engine “How to feel less…” This now breaks my heart…

I started a quest to gain a better grasp on my emotions. I knew I had a few tools such as yoga, meditation, reading, and writing were all things I used as coping mechanisms when things became too much but there is only so much you can distract your mind until it makes you think about what is causing you to be sad. I started started searching for books and started an audible book called “The User’s Guide to the Human Mind” I was hoping this would help me hijack my mind and change the way I think. Turns out that is not exactly what this book is for. However, This book helped me understand how much our minds care about us. It taught me how to acknowledge my thoughts as they are. Why we jump to conclusions, how our past effects our thoughts. Although a great read… it wasn’t what I was looking for. I was clienteles at work the other day and started searching for life coach you tubers or just a video worth watching, I found “The 25 Greatest Ted Talks” I instantly was drawn to one called “The Power Of Venerability” Now, before I go any further… If you haven’t seen this I highly recommend you stop reading for a second and go find that. It is powerful, It is meaningful and it is exactly what I needed. I then was lost in a sea of ted talks and I feel like now I am a professional speaker/ Psychologist/ Social Worker, and have just earned my PhD… It’s a great day to save lives (Marry Me Sheppard)

Here is the thing. I am actually continuing thing post a few weeks later. I left it there unfinished as I typically have a tendency to do. I read a lot of self help books. Not because I’m depressed, or lost or because I feel I need help. I read them because I feel like I am actively doing something to make me a better human. I feel like I can tackle issues and have tools when I need them but no matter how many videos I watch or books I read… When sadness strikes, I’m a bit of a basket case. I do not deal with it well. I know this, I try to tell people this. It’s not cool to cry. I get it. I hate it. I wish more then anything I had better grips on it but you know what? It’s who I am.I write often about how it is something to embrace… How ever… ask my sobbing self how I feel about this in the moment and I will tell you about my curse of feeling from the devil.

I received a text from someone the other day. It was something along the lines of

“Good Morning :) Just at my therapy appointment, I’ll give you a shout later”

Therapy… I wasn’t sure how to take this. Did this person have mental issues I didn’t know about? Was it a Physiotherapy appointment? I just let it slide and didn’t think much of it but I did kind of wonder…

"Did they want me to ask? Why would they tell me? Certainly you don’t tell people you are talking to a therapist… It must of been physiotherapy…”

Jump forward a week, I was sitting down with this person and we got into a deep conversation (my favourite kind) and they brought it up again. They told me that they talk to a therapist.. and that they try to tell people that they do because they want to break the stigma. I was blown away. What a brave and beautiful way to look at it. I still can’t get over how much I love the perspective.

We all have issues. I have seen mental health hurt the people I love multiple times. Years back in one of my darkest times, I saw a therapist. I remember being terrified to tell my parents. Not even because I didn’t want them to know I was seeing a therapist. But because I didn’t want them to know I was hurting. I searched up a therapist and drove to a church in the middle of Hamilton. I talked to her about my toxic relationship. I told her I was scared and confused. I cried… a lot. But it felt good. There was nothing negative tied to my experience. The $120 price tag was a bit steep but I can spend that in an hour at the mall and I don’t leave the mall feeling like that. She helped me. She was a unbiased professional opinion. I remember telling a friend and them almost making fun of me for it. I’m here to tell you from a girl who’s done it… Don’t feel ashamed or let people make fun of you. If they have the nerve to say something so insensitive… Tell them they would probably benefit going to see a therapist.

Jump forward another week. It’s been a rough one for me. I had some issues at work, I had to say goodbye to someone I care about, My plate is overflowing like I’m starving at the Mandarin and I also got my period to top all this off. I sat down and got frustrated. How have I read every god damn self-help book in indigo and I still can’t get a handle on my life. I decided to reach out. I decided my mental health is more important then my pride or a shopping trip to the mall. I made an appointment with a lady name Megan. She called me to make sure I felt we would be a good fit. We talked a bit about the stuff I want to work on, why I decided to reach out and the tools she uses. I will let you know on Tuesday how it goes. I have been telling the people I love that I am doing this, and to be honest… it feels good. I feel brave. Every reaction has been a positive one. So this is me “Daring Greatly” and telling my friends of the internet that I, Jenna Maclellan. Happy, little, excitable, me needs help sometimes to… and if I can even help one person realize that maybe talking to someone could make their day a little less scary… Then that is more then I’d ever ask for out of this blog.